Seriously just fuck them. I don't even know why I let others define me. Oh yeah, it's cause I'm human and have this intrinsic want for acceptance and love. Well fuck it all. I can change my body, I can change my personality, I can change my attitude by in reality you will never please everyone. There are 7 billion people in this world, if you think that one person defines you well you're wrong. Now saying this kind of makes me a hypocrite because I'm in this rut, pool of anger and despair whatever you want to call it because of just one person. BUT I figure if I start writing out my advice eventually I'll start to believe it? Maybe? Idk I've made a lot of changes in my life recently but nothing has gone the way I want it to. :(
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Why is it that I'm so ok with this but at the same time I'm so distraught. I'm so stuck on what we were, and what we could have been. If only you had been honest with me and open and had a real discussion with me. Not talking for 6 months sounds like torture. You're my bestfriend. People can tell me to move on, and people can tell me to live but in the end I'm nothing. I'm empty and I HATE admitting that. I believed everything you said. How you'd support me through thick and thin. It's mind numbing. I want to be numb. I pretend I'm ok and I say I'm ok but hell I'm not okay. I'm so disappointed that I made so many active changes in mentality and life yet you are fixated on the crazy unyielding HS girl you fell in love with. I'm settling down. I know what I want in life. I want to be an amazing doctor, and I want to live in KS, with my 2 puppies and my three beautiful children and you...I want to make an effort to get to know your family again. Second chances are often the best because you have your past experiences to build on. I of course will respect the decision to not speak till summer, but I know it'll kill me. Time heals everything is a true statement but I'm pretty sure I want to spend the rest of my life with you so I am going to work everyday to become the girl you want to spend the rest of YOUR life with. I was once that girl, and I can be that girl again. Only a couple months ago you were declaring your love for me. Sure it has faded with time but once a flame goes out there are always embers, and if you poke and prod at them just right you can reignite the flame. Perhaps this space is good. It'll give me time to become the best version of myself that I can be. I need to continue to lose weight and not lose sight of that, I need to kill my MCAT, I need to straighten up my teeth, and I need to get my grades at tip top shape. I need to slowly figure out summer plans and most of all I need a major attitude change. Yes I've made big strides in all those in the past couple months so hey keep going right? If it's meant to be it's meant to be and if it's not well Mr.right is out there. I know he seems perfect but at the same time there were so many things you hated about him. This is all true. Take a step back and take the next 6 months to really become the best version of yourself. I know it's gonna be challenging and you're going to want to cry sometimes but in the end if you stay true to yourself and your dreams I really believe things will work out. I'm so sick of feeling like crap and I'm so annoyed that you feel joy and happiness being apart from me. We are perfect. I hope I can prove that to you one day. I'm pathetic....yup so pathetic. I've made it 3 months, what's another 6 right?
Monday, November 25, 2013
Taking Steps
For the past couple months everything basically feels like well, nothing. When I got that call and I heard those words "I can't be with you anymore" it felt like my world stopped. I stopped breathing without actually dying (although I sure felt dead). I felt so betrayed and so hurt. How could anyone do that to me? I gave him everything, I worked on myself so hard to be the best I could be. It was confusing and even worse I got no closure from the situation. It was awkward. I'd beg for answers and I'd get a half-assed response which would only lead to more questions and agony. And each time we talked it exasperated the situation. I heard my friends from all directions saying things like "he wasn't good enough" or "it wasn't you it's him" and the classic "it's his loss". Is it though? I appreciate my friends for trying to make me feel better and worth something but I think in the end that's something I need to come to on my own. Admittedly this guy tried to break up with me before and I fought and fought for us. Does that make me the fool? Was I trying to keep something alive that wasn't meant to be kept alive? After you're with someone for 2 years things admittedly get hard. You get comfortable with the other person, you start to take their presence and actions for granted. I am just as much guilty. It's natural. I mean I know things were bad, but I understood all of his actions and his words as much as some of them made me want to straight up deck him in the face, I understood. This break up has taught me a lot so far.
1. I am a pusher. Mind the means girl quote but I push people. I love seeing the best in people and seeing them outside their comfort zones. I should've realized that perhaps I was pushing him away in the process. While I wish he was strong enough to verbally express this to me at the right time, I have realized this although it is a hair too late.
2. I fucking love talking. So much that sometimes I annoy myself. I need to realize that people can't do all the things I can do. Not to toot my own horn but I can multi-task fairly well in my opinion, as I write this blog post, listen to music, and am watching a movie. Some people need their time and space. I shouldn't impose my work ethic on others but rather should take the time to respect their work ethic and need for time and space. Sometimes I just need to back away. It's that cliche saying that if you let them go and they come back it's meant to be? Well I guess there is some merit to it. I should give people the space they desire.
3. I should be kind. I have this personality where I just blurt whatever is on my mind no filter regardless of how rude mean or inconsiderate it may be. Doesn't matter if it's false I'll just say it. NO NO NO. Not ok. If this relationship taught me anything it is that I should learn to handle my thoughts on a mature level. I can't always share exactly what I'm feeling. Just as I have feelings (which has been made abundantly clear to me in the recent months) others have feelings as well and it is my job to respect that. Treat others as you would wish others to treat you.
4. Be happy with what you have and make it clear. I have this problem of letting my drive and vision of getting in the way of my true feelings. I honestly am so happy with the little things in life but this vision I have of the future often clouds that feeling. I should share my happiness with the little things more often. I don't need material as much as it may seem. Sometimes I'm content with a McDonalds cheeseburger.
5. I suck at being alone. Maybe this is the biggest learning curve for me but I HATE being alone. I haven't been alone in 4 years and let me straight up tell you it sucks. I should probably work on that. I shouldn't let others define my happiness because in the end I'm the only true person I can rely on, that and my pillows.
Finally I am thankful. I am thankful he let me into his life. I am thankful he gave me a wonderful 2 years to remember. I don't know what the future holds for me, for him, or for us, but I know that I am glad I was a part of his. He is a rare gem. You know how you hear about those girls with the crazy lists for the perfect guy, well he is the inspiration for mine. I know I can't settle for anything less than who he was. Who he is perhaps isn't who I fell for but I remember every little thing about him that I love. He is so goofy, so smart, so loving, so caring. He was always willing to try new things and really cared about the little things in life. He always did his best to succeed and never ever would ever do anything to hurt me. His charisma was on point and of course he was a science nerd. I will never understand why life is the way it is. I was convinced he was the one. Maybe this is gods way of saying there is better although I surely doubt it. I thought we were wonderful compliments of each other. He really curbed my drinking and partying habits and really showed me how to be true to myself. I can't thank him enough for that.
1. I am a pusher. Mind the means girl quote but I push people. I love seeing the best in people and seeing them outside their comfort zones. I should've realized that perhaps I was pushing him away in the process. While I wish he was strong enough to verbally express this to me at the right time, I have realized this although it is a hair too late.
2. I fucking love talking. So much that sometimes I annoy myself. I need to realize that people can't do all the things I can do. Not to toot my own horn but I can multi-task fairly well in my opinion, as I write this blog post, listen to music, and am watching a movie. Some people need their time and space. I shouldn't impose my work ethic on others but rather should take the time to respect their work ethic and need for time and space. Sometimes I just need to back away. It's that cliche saying that if you let them go and they come back it's meant to be? Well I guess there is some merit to it. I should give people the space they desire.
3. I should be kind. I have this personality where I just blurt whatever is on my mind no filter regardless of how rude mean or inconsiderate it may be. Doesn't matter if it's false I'll just say it. NO NO NO. Not ok. If this relationship taught me anything it is that I should learn to handle my thoughts on a mature level. I can't always share exactly what I'm feeling. Just as I have feelings (which has been made abundantly clear to me in the recent months) others have feelings as well and it is my job to respect that. Treat others as you would wish others to treat you.
4. Be happy with what you have and make it clear. I have this problem of letting my drive and vision of getting in the way of my true feelings. I honestly am so happy with the little things in life but this vision I have of the future often clouds that feeling. I should share my happiness with the little things more often. I don't need material as much as it may seem. Sometimes I'm content with a McDonalds cheeseburger.
5. I suck at being alone. Maybe this is the biggest learning curve for me but I HATE being alone. I haven't been alone in 4 years and let me straight up tell you it sucks. I should probably work on that. I shouldn't let others define my happiness because in the end I'm the only true person I can rely on, that and my pillows.
Finally I am thankful. I am thankful he let me into his life. I am thankful he gave me a wonderful 2 years to remember. I don't know what the future holds for me, for him, or for us, but I know that I am glad I was a part of his. He is a rare gem. You know how you hear about those girls with the crazy lists for the perfect guy, well he is the inspiration for mine. I know I can't settle for anything less than who he was. Who he is perhaps isn't who I fell for but I remember every little thing about him that I love. He is so goofy, so smart, so loving, so caring. He was always willing to try new things and really cared about the little things in life. He always did his best to succeed and never ever would ever do anything to hurt me. His charisma was on point and of course he was a science nerd. I will never understand why life is the way it is. I was convinced he was the one. Maybe this is gods way of saying there is better although I surely doubt it. I thought we were wonderful compliments of each other. He really curbed my drinking and partying habits and really showed me how to be true to myself. I can't thank him enough for that.
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