For the past couple months everything basically feels like well, nothing. When I got that call and I heard those words "I can't be with you anymore" it felt like my world stopped. I stopped breathing without actually dying (although I sure felt dead). I felt so betrayed and so hurt. How could anyone do that to me? I gave him everything, I worked on myself so hard to be the best I could be. It was confusing and even worse I got no closure from the situation. It was awkward. I'd beg for answers and I'd get a half-assed response which would only lead to more questions and agony. And each time we talked it exasperated the situation. I heard my friends from all directions saying things like "he wasn't good enough" or "it wasn't you it's him" and the classic "it's his loss". Is it though? I appreciate my friends for trying to make me feel better and worth something but I think in the end that's something I need to come to on my own. Admittedly this guy tried to break up with me before and I fought and fought for us. Does that make me the fool? Was I trying to keep something alive that wasn't meant to be kept alive? After you're with someone for 2 years things admittedly get hard. You get comfortable with the other person, you start to take their presence and actions for granted. I am just as much guilty. It's natural. I mean I know things were bad, but I understood all of his actions and his words as much as some of them made me want to straight up deck him in the face, I understood. This break up has taught me a lot so far.
1. I am a pusher. Mind the means girl quote but I push people. I love seeing the best in people and seeing them outside their comfort zones. I should've realized that perhaps I was pushing him away in the process. While I wish he was strong enough to verbally express this to me at the right time, I have realized this although it is a hair too late.
2. I fucking love talking. So much that sometimes I annoy myself. I need to realize that people can't do all the things I can do. Not to toot my own horn but I can multi-task fairly well in my opinion, as I write this blog post, listen to music, and am watching a movie. Some people need their time and space. I shouldn't impose my work ethic on others but rather should take the time to respect their work ethic and need for time and space. Sometimes I just need to back away. It's that cliche saying that if you let them go and they come back it's meant to be? Well I guess there is some merit to it. I should give people the space they desire.
3. I should be kind. I have this personality where I just blurt whatever is on my mind no filter regardless of how rude mean or inconsiderate it may be. Doesn't matter if it's false I'll just say it. NO NO NO. Not ok. If this relationship taught me anything it is that I should learn to handle my thoughts on a mature level. I can't always share exactly what I'm feeling. Just as I have feelings (which has been made abundantly clear to me in the recent months) others have feelings as well and it is my job to respect that. Treat others as you would wish others to treat you.
4. Be happy with what you have and make it clear. I have this problem of letting my drive and vision of getting in the way of my true feelings. I honestly am so happy with the little things in life but this vision I have of the future often clouds that feeling. I should share my happiness with the little things more often. I don't need material as much as it may seem. Sometimes I'm content with a McDonalds cheeseburger.
5. I suck at being alone. Maybe this is the biggest learning curve for me but I HATE being alone. I haven't been alone in 4 years and let me straight up tell you it sucks. I should probably work on that. I shouldn't let others define my happiness because in the end I'm the only true person I can rely on, that and my pillows.
Finally I am thankful. I am thankful he let me into his life. I am thankful he gave me a wonderful 2 years to remember. I don't know what the future holds for me, for him, or for us, but I know that I am glad I was a part of his. He is a rare gem. You know how you hear about those girls with the crazy lists for the perfect guy, well he is the inspiration for mine. I know I can't settle for anything less than who he was. Who he is perhaps isn't who I fell for but I remember every little thing about him that I love. He is so goofy, so smart, so loving, so caring. He was always willing to try new things and really cared about the little things in life. He always did his best to succeed and never ever would ever do anything to hurt me. His charisma was on point and of course he was a science nerd. I will never understand why life is the way it is. I was convinced he was the one. Maybe this is gods way of saying there is better although I surely doubt it. I thought we were wonderful compliments of each other. He really curbed my drinking and partying habits and really showed me how to be true to myself. I can't thank him enough for that.
1. I am a pusher. Mind the means girl quote but I push people. I love seeing the best in people and seeing them outside their comfort zones. I should've realized that perhaps I was pushing him away in the process. While I wish he was strong enough to verbally express this to me at the right time, I have realized this although it is a hair too late.
2. I fucking love talking. So much that sometimes I annoy myself. I need to realize that people can't do all the things I can do. Not to toot my own horn but I can multi-task fairly well in my opinion, as I write this blog post, listen to music, and am watching a movie. Some people need their time and space. I shouldn't impose my work ethic on others but rather should take the time to respect their work ethic and need for time and space. Sometimes I just need to back away. It's that cliche saying that if you let them go and they come back it's meant to be? Well I guess there is some merit to it. I should give people the space they desire.
3. I should be kind. I have this personality where I just blurt whatever is on my mind no filter regardless of how rude mean or inconsiderate it may be. Doesn't matter if it's false I'll just say it. NO NO NO. Not ok. If this relationship taught me anything it is that I should learn to handle my thoughts on a mature level. I can't always share exactly what I'm feeling. Just as I have feelings (which has been made abundantly clear to me in the recent months) others have feelings as well and it is my job to respect that. Treat others as you would wish others to treat you.
4. Be happy with what you have and make it clear. I have this problem of letting my drive and vision of getting in the way of my true feelings. I honestly am so happy with the little things in life but this vision I have of the future often clouds that feeling. I should share my happiness with the little things more often. I don't need material as much as it may seem. Sometimes I'm content with a McDonalds cheeseburger.
5. I suck at being alone. Maybe this is the biggest learning curve for me but I HATE being alone. I haven't been alone in 4 years and let me straight up tell you it sucks. I should probably work on that. I shouldn't let others define my happiness because in the end I'm the only true person I can rely on, that and my pillows.
Finally I am thankful. I am thankful he let me into his life. I am thankful he gave me a wonderful 2 years to remember. I don't know what the future holds for me, for him, or for us, but I know that I am glad I was a part of his. He is a rare gem. You know how you hear about those girls with the crazy lists for the perfect guy, well he is the inspiration for mine. I know I can't settle for anything less than who he was. Who he is perhaps isn't who I fell for but I remember every little thing about him that I love. He is so goofy, so smart, so loving, so caring. He was always willing to try new things and really cared about the little things in life. He always did his best to succeed and never ever would ever do anything to hurt me. His charisma was on point and of course he was a science nerd. I will never understand why life is the way it is. I was convinced he was the one. Maybe this is gods way of saying there is better although I surely doubt it. I thought we were wonderful compliments of each other. He really curbed my drinking and partying habits and really showed me how to be true to myself. I can't thank him enough for that.
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